Fight On

Kaia’s Grandme and Grandpapa (as well as his great-grandparents and host of other relatives) are USC fans and graduates. I can remember being a young (and then, only) child attending games with my folks and my grandfather listening to all of the games (even basketball?!?) on the radio, regardless if he was at a wedding, funeral or movie. Along with Auntie Brynne came Kaia’s first piece of USC paraphernalia—a baseball cap—and here he is trying to do the USC “V for Victory” sign. It is not to be confused with what he may be doing to the camera in about 10 years.

Why I Love this Time: My ‘look’ has become refined enough so that words are not even necessary when I want to tell him that he’s doing something that he shouldn’t be.

Out on the Town

Not much to write about, but I did want to post this really cute photo of Kaia and his Auntie Brynne. We’re all having a great time and today did quite of bit of shopping for saris, dhotis, books, music and play-doh. All of it made for a nice nap in Sethu Uncle’s Ambassdor…

Why I Love this Time: His knowledge of this crazy city and all its landmarks.

Kids Central and Birthdays

It only seems like it, but I could swear and there are birthday parties every day at Kids Central. Just this week there have been three—which means birthday cake at snack time and a small gift for each child upon leaving. Some parents really go all out and considering that there are over 50 children attending, this can be a big expensive. This week Kaia has received a kid-sized umbrella, tattoo set (see photo) and lots and lots of candy. What’s a sweet withholding inclined parent to do? Actually the tattoos were really funny during lunch as Kaia kept looking down at his arms, admiring the ‘art’ on his body and looking up with a big smile as if to say, “these are REALLY cool!”

Why I Love this Time: I didn’t realize that little kids can say things over and over and over and over and over again with so much energy and speed. I don’t know how many times I have heard “Kaia want it”…

Strangers and Knuckles

One of the things that I will really miss about being here is how friendly ‘strangers’ are, especially to little children. I am reminded of this every time we take a walk on the beach where we are met with so many smiles and waves—not to mention the pinching of Kaia’s cheeks. I don’t know how much Kaia likes the attention, but he’s generally a good sport—answering the common “what’s your name” with a confident “Kaia”. There have been some really memorable encounters with strangers and Kaia—there was the time I thought an approaching woman was going to ask for money as she extended her hand toward us in that familiar pose, but then with cat-like reflexes pinched Kaia’s cheek and kept walking—but the other day something happened that really surprised me.

We were at the nearby temple and Kaia was doing his routine of bowing and walking around the temple in circles. After finishing there were some women that were all looking at him with these huge, glowing smiles. One of them walked up to him and didn’t just pinch his cheek (which she did) and kiss her fingers (as most people do after the pinch). She pinched with both hands and then immediately, with both hands, cracked her knuckles with a good deal of force on the side of her head. It struck me as a very odd gesture and somewhat disarming—seeing a person touch your child and then pound their head isn’t something you expect to see. The next day I asked Joyce what this meant and she ask me, “who did that!?!” I explained the situation and she told me that it is something that people only do when they see, what they consider to be, an extraordinarily beautiful child. Because it is considered to be bad form in the face of god to speak how a child is cute or precious, people’s feelings are expressed in the kissing of the hand which has touched the child or, in this case, a cracking of the knuckles on the side of the head. It did strike me when she did it as something that a slightly crazy person would do (she looked a bit wild while doing it)—I guess that she was just saying that she was ‘crazy’ for Kaia. I really love little things like this about this country.

Why I Love this Time: A unique and humorous event that will happen from time to time is that Kaia will find Joyce’s bindi stuck in random places around the flat. Just in the last week, Kaia has found one affixed on the side of a door and another on the patio where we dry clothes. While there are some bindis that are large, Joyce wears a small bindi, about the size of Kaia’s fingernail—and it is easy for them to get misplaced and fall off from time to time. It has become a minor sport for Kaia to find “Joycee’s bindeee” and affix them back between her eyebrows. Sometimes he’ll even put them on himself. It is really funny.

Auntie Brynne

On Sunday night Kaia’s Auntie Brynne arrived after a long trip from California. Kaia has been looking forward to seeing her for some time—particularly since she was coming with all kinds of presents in tow! Since she works at Trader Joe’s she brought all kinds of great gourmet food stuffs that we have been craving: chocolates, tortilla chips, salami, wine—it has been a real feast the last few days. Kaia too has been really excited ever since he woke up yesterday morning to find her here. She been fighting off a cold since before she got here, but Kaia has pushed her to get well fast with repeated calls to “play Auntie Brynne” and jumps on her chest. Brynne will be here for another 2 ½ weeks during which time she’ll be also working at Izumi’s hospital (she’s training to be a nurse practitioner) and getting a feel for our lives here in Chennai. Kaia is very happy about this as are we.

We spent this evening on the beach, introducing Auntie Brynne to some of the local sights (the sea temple), sounds (peanut man’s bell), and tastes (deep fried chili peppers). As you can see, a few typical ‘friends’ also introduced themselves to her.

Why I Love this Time: Kaia LOVES jackfruit—the huge spiky and ill-smelling fruit—and since it is back in season it is so funny to watch him grub down large bowls of it while doing the “jackfruit dance”. This is a little jig that involves a pirouette and two bunny hops.

Community Event

Each term at Kids Central there is a school wide community event. Last term, if you remember, it was held at a nearby palace along the Adyar river, quite an impressive location. This time it was at a more humble locale—the Kids Central grounds. This term’s theme is “bugs and insects” and children and parents were asked to come dressed up in appropriate themed attire. Conveniently, Kaia has his grasshopper shirt so he was decked out in that, and his mama made us all antennae so that we could attend as a bug family. Being that it was from 400-530pm, Kaia’s typical nap time, he wasn’t in the most energetic of moods (although he hasn’t taken a proper nap in about a week), so it was close to papa most of the time. It being India and all, there was a snake charmer there with a cobra and ‘pet’ lizard tied up to a pole (I’d never seen such things before coming here), as well as face painting and themed food (‘squid sputum’, ‘ladybug pizza’, etc). One of the things that I will really miss about Kids Central is the great diversity of children and families. So many little critters from all over the world interacting with one another….it is really fun to be a part of.

Why I Love this Time: Being reminded that I should be more mindful and appreciative of these last days here with him....what a unique gift this experience has been.

The Crippled Papa

Much has been made here in this weblog about illness. Without a doubt, the past year I have been more chronically ill with this and that nagging virus and bacteria than ever before. You can’t blame it all on the typical culprits such as compromised water, as Kaia’s entry into school has opened our home to the host of necessary childhood illnesses. But whatever the source of infection, being sick has made parenting here very challenging. I have come to expect being sick every 3 weeks or so--just last week I was wondering when the next wave was going to hit our family—and, unfortunately, something always comes around, just like clockwork. The most recent unwanted visitor was an intense gastro-intestinal attack that (literally) uncomfortably close to the symptoms of cholera. The fact that it lasted for nearly four full days told me that it wasn’t the typically food poisoning, and the fact that I couldn’t leave the house because I was ‘incapacitated’ every 15-20 minutes, well that told me that this was going to be a painful ride. Indeed it was, regardless if it brought me closer to one of my favorite novels ever.

There are a few things that I am quite certain that I will not miss when I leave here: the frequency of stomach problems, power surges and cuts that fry electronic devices, our leaking air conditioner that makes the bedroom marble floor a major hazard, and mosquitoes—make that, MOSQUITOES. You could probably add to that, indiamama’s long business trips, and you would have had the perfect storm of a nightmare evening the other night. I wont waste time describing it—indeed I’d like to just forget it—but you can imagine how it was with my condition and her being away in Delhi. Not a fun time.

When I’m sick I often find myself resorting to parenting in a way that I don’t really like—more ‘nos’ and ‘don’t do that’ than I prefer to say. This time around, because I was feeling so crappy, I had to lean on empty threats to try to keep peace. This of course, meant bringing out the ‘clown’. I think I have written about this before, but Kaia has been deathly afraid of clowns ever since he saw these dwarfs dressed up as clowns in a nearby amusement park. By my standards they were pretty scary too and since they were so short, he could really see them at eye level. When one came bounding up to him, he freaked out like I’ve never really seen before. Anyway, about a month ago, we discovered that the “if you don’t (fill in the blank), then the clown will come” works wonders and moves mountains. Usually this form of short-term reward parenting is used in times like leaving places when he doesn’t want to or when he is being very difficult, but it must be used very sparingly for obvious reasons. Since I’ve been sick, however, I’ve probably leaned on it more than I should be…truth be told, it is a perversely wicked little trick that can turn his mood in a heartbeat—from screaming on the ground because he wants to drink juice out of the bottle to sitting up and gripping me tight in silence, whimpering “no clown come, no clown come.” I know that he’s going to hate me for it down the line.

Why I Love this Time: “So funny papa, that’s so funny.”

Music

Some of the more devoted readers of indiapapa know that Kaia has a real affinity for traditional Indian music and dance. Ever since we took him to multiple performances over the Chennai Music Festival season last December he has been enraptured by the whooopms and twangs of Hindustani compositions. I am anticipating the arrival of a new iPod when Kaia’s Auntie Brynne comes next week from the US and, in preparation, I’ve organized my iTunes with all of the music that we have here, which means a lot of classical Indian. Now Kaia, knowing that all the music is stored in the computer, enjoys sitting at my desk and listening to “dancing music”, of which he has his favorite songs. Keep in mind that the typical ‘song’ can last from 10 to 40 minutes, so he’ll just sit there and stare out the window or at the iTunes visualizer while enjoying the music. I find it to be a very interesting behavior and really wonder what’s going on in his head. Since Bangalore, where we saw a dance performance featuring a male master dancer accompanied by a famous tabla player (who’s CD we have), now he asks for the “man dancing music”—which he can identify after just a few seconds! In fact, he already classified all the 1,400+ songs in iTunes as “papa’s music (anything remotely rockish), mama’s music (anything Latin and in Japanese), kaia’s music (kids songs) and, of course, dancing music”. Really funny. Accompanying this post is a photo of when I caught him alone playing his wooden xylophone while singing songs out of his Japanese song book. As you can see, he’s also set up a group of Ganesha back up singers and a small audience of fruit sellers.

Why I Love this Time: Saying goodbye to go to Kids Central with Joyce—“bye-bye papa, see you later”.

Valentine's Day

Bangalore

For some time we have been meaning to visit Bangalore and experience the epicenter of the information technology (IT) revolution on the subcontinent. Back in 2000 (pre-Kaia) we had visited for a few days, but it was just typical traveler-transit time where you are hardly there in mind. Indiamama was going to be returning from a weeklong business trip and flying out of Bangalore, so Kaia and I decided to meet here there and make a weekend of it. What a great weekend it was. Since Indiamama’s trip was rather stressful, she had requested that we stay in a “poolside resort” kind of place—this led us to the Oberoi, a true oasis in the heart of a bustling city.

Bangalore has many of the problems that affect India’s urban centers—an infrastructure pushed past the breaking point, a booming population, pollution that you can taste, and loads of foreign capital trying to take advantage of the highly educated work force who will work for a fraction of those in other places. Often referred to a the “garden city,” when it is not swallowed up by the thousands of commuters, (as we saw early Sunday morning) it maintains much of the “old world” charm of the pre-liberalized (1993) Indian world. Trees line relatively well maintained roads and the signs of negligent public works—crumbling walkways, makeshift road dividers, swirling litter—that are pervasive in Chennai are not as apparent in Bangalore. We got around town in our friend’s little electric car and wondered what India would be like with more of these economical, quiet, non-polluting little vehicles…But, frankly, what was going outside of the Oberoi’s grounds was not such a concern to us on this trip. This trip was all about indulgence and being pampered. As true as the four different kinds of luxury pillows that we were asked to choose between and the 24 hour “butler service”, I say this without shame.

More than anything, this trip allowed Kaia (and all of us) to experience things that we have been unable to do in Chennai—a roll in clean grass, a real bath, eat salami and gouda cheese, chase butterflies, watch television, listen to frogs… From the time that Kaia ran onto the grounds, he face just lit up—he could ran around without indiapapa at arm’s reach scanning the area for broken glass, stray dogs and uncovered cesspools. Of course, I exaggerate a bit here, but it was like he was an uncaged puppy—doing rolls in the grass, picking flowers and leaping after butterflies—all with an ear to ear grin. It was sweet to watch, but a sense of guilt overcame me in that I felt that I have been denying him these core pleasures of childhood because of this place that we have chosen to live—that is, in Chennai. As someone who used to expose elementary students the wonder of gardens and the environment is it wickedly ironic that my own son has been so locked in this concrete jungle for the past year. It was at this point that I clearly recognized what being here any longer than we need to be would deprive Kaia of. Our time here has been so memorable and he has developed in ways that we can never really know, but I think that we may be nearing the upper limits of what this environment has to offer him…

But living in India has been about the people—our friends and the lifetime relationships that have been fostered during this past year. Two of these folks live in Bangalore, Kaia’s Auntie Muthatha and Uncle Nitin, and spending time with them this past weekend was also really fun. Knowing about Kaia’s affinity for Indian dancing and percussion, they got us all tickets for a performance by two of India’s more famous performers—Ustad Zakir Hussain (on tabla) and Pandit Birju Maharaj (dancing). Kaia actually slept through the first half of it because of the day’s earlier excitement (plane ride! Airport! Bus ride!), but enjoyed it tremendously. On Saturday night we all went out for a tasty Italian dinner where I actually was able to eat something that I have been craving for months—arugula! Kaia grubbed down a whole plate of penne pasta and when I asked him if he was having a fun time, all he said was “so much fun papa”.

Why I Love this Time: To experience these new places together as a family—and to see how Kaia recognizes and loves “family time”.

Uncle Tom, Auntie Lyanda and Claire

Sometime, about 3 weeks ago, our friends Tom, Lyanda and Claire came to India for a long family vacation and we had the please of housing them here on their first night. Last week, they returned to Chennai after a memorable trip through Southern India and found their way back here to our flat by the sea. Kaia really loves to have visitors and when they come with 7 year olds in tow, he’s in heaven! Our guests spent most of their final days here (actually Uncle Tom is staying on another 2 weeks to work with Indiamama’s project) shopping and getting in their final fix of local flavors, but Kaia was still able to spend a lot of fun time playing with Claire and being his happy self. Claire was really great with him and offered glimpses of what life might be like with two children—the tender sight of two little creatures sharing a book or a laugh just melts your heart. Kaia was really sad to see Lyanda and Claire go, as were we all. Sometimes in the storm of Indian intensity you can lose your bearings of those things familiar and comfortable. Being with them and remembering our lives in Seattle—and our imminent re-engagement—was very therapeutic.

Why I Love this Time: “Papa, want to see Culaire.”

Surprise Party

Today we had a surprise birthday party for Kaia’s mama in a nearby Korean restaurant. It was a complete shock to both her (and Kaia) when they walked in a dark room of the restaurant to be greeted by a loud “surprise!” and about 20 close friends singing happy birthday. The place ended up being a terrific place to hold a party with karaoke machine, long tables, open grills and lots and lots of tasty food. I brought a bottle of good sake that Kaia’s ojiichan had gifted us from Japan and introduced many of our Indian friends to the pleasures of nihonshu. With a chocolate cake with the script in Tamil, it was truly a multi-cultural dining experience and everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves, most importantly indiamama.

Why I Love This Time: these kinds of memories.

One Year Anniversary

Today marks the completion of one full year that we have been here in India. One year ago, we were spending our last (cold) night in Japan at our favorite cheap Narita hotel and getting ready to board a Singapore Airlines (business class!) flight that would eventually make its way to Chennai at 10:15pm on the 31^st. The anxiety of that time is still very fresh for me—worrying about our weight restriction for baggage (wasn’t an issue), transitioning to being a full-time dad, leaving a very nice life in Japan, and of course, the unknown of being in India with a little guy. Looking back, it is hard to say how much I have changed and grown as a result of being here. The challenges have been many with indiamama’s work demands and the first three months were really difficult for all of us, I think. Kaia wasn’t in a school that either of us felt comfortable with, the search for a home just dragged on and on, the place where we were staying was packed with mosquitoes, and the weather just got more and more hot by the minute. There were all kinds of other difficulties with what we were expecting and what the reality was, but you can read about those in the logs of this weblog, if you’re so inclined. In all, I have never had a 12 month period where time and events seemed to go so rapidly and slowly at the same time. While I spun my wheels, trying anyway to get my writing started, Kaia was maturing by the second. I feel very honored to have witnessed it so closely for these past 12 months. Here are some photos comparing then and now.

Why I Love this Time: There were many times when I thought we wouldn’t last one more day, much less making it the whole year that we had committed to originally. Many challenges have certainly toughened our hides…

Republic Day

The streak of holidays around this time of year is quite remarkable. I know that I am exaggerating here, but it seems like every week since the beginning of Diwali in November there has been some day or festival celebrating this or that. Today, we observed yet another—Republic Day—marking the ratification of the Indian constitution and its emergence as an independent state. Today, all over the country, the day is celebrated with parades and here in Madras it was no different. I experienced the patriotism from early in the morning on my 6:30am run when I noticed that just about everyone I was running past along the beach road had an Indian flag pinned to their shirt. Already, by 7:00am there was a stage area set up near out place and music blasting national anthems. It was not a typical run. But, then again, when is it ever?

Kaia and his mama went to see a parade this morning and these are some of the shots from their experience. Apparently the different floats were rather interesting and odd—from the one with infamous Chief Minister Jayalalitha cradling a child in a God-like pose to that with the woman auto-rickshaw driver as the symbol of gender equality. In retrospect, I wish that I would have gone—especially on this day when the state has an opportunity to show off its true colors to the public—but alas, writing called. Anyway, from the looks of the photos, it seems that Kaia was a little puzzled by the floats as well. His highlight was seeing the “hebecobba” (helicopter and one of the cutest words these days) that was patrolling the beach in search of potential terrorists.

Why I Love this Time: The ticklish feet when washing at bathtime.

And a View from the Shore

This is a bit off-topic in that it does not relate to Kaia, however I witnessed something on the way home from my run today that truly captures this place. My typical course is to run from our apartment building, towards town, through a temple/shopping area, and back home via the beach. Generally, I’ll stop about a ¼ of a mile from our place and walk home just to cool down and enjoy the early morning sights and all the various things going on at the beach at that time of day. As I walked back along the shoreline, I saw a man squatting and staring out at the sunrise. Of course, with two fisherman encampments on either side of our beach area, it is not surprising to see men taking care of their morning business (this is why I don’t run on the shoreline—too many paddies to dodge). But today, it was a bit different.

The area where I was walking back is not usually visited by defecating fisherfolk. In fact, it is just not practical as it is quite a ways from their homes—but this man was clearly not a fisherman based on his attire (rather new lungi) and age (probably in his mid-50s). I imagine that he, like the hundreds of folks who walk, run, practice yoga, etc. on this strip of beach every morning, was out exercising and felt the call. As I have written about before, relieving yourself in public is not so shocking (at least urinating), so I guess he wanted to get a bit away from the crowd and find some ‘privacy’.

When I spotted him, I was about 50 feet away and noticed that he, like me, was enjoying the beautiful sunrise this morning. I suppose that the Chennai pollution has something to do with it, but at times the sunrise can be truly spectacular. I am not as taken aback as I once was when seeing someone dumping out in public as I once was, but it is still a bit arresting, particularly when it is someone what you wouldn’t expect to be doing it (i.e. Fisherman or street dweller). But what made this episode so unique was what was in his hand—a cellphone—and what he was doing at the same time as taking a dump—talking on it. I was both humored and contemplative at the sight—this, in many ways, is today’s India. Public health nightmare with the cutting edge of technology in your foreground, while beyond it are vast depths of beauty and opportunity. Many cannot get past that first image—the figure of a middle-aged, middle class man’s drooping genitals or the fact that he could be talking to the other side of the world are just too strong. But if you can move beyond this, there are many amazing vistas to experience. Of course, he and his actions are very much part of the landscape (not to mention the polluted coastline), but the point is to experience it all. I just had to stop and stare, wishing that I had my camera to mark the moment for all time. But, you’ll just have to imagine it (if you want)…I know I’ll never forgot it.

Why I Love this Time: Bubbles and a 2 ½ year old make for enormous fun.

Birthday Party #2

This evening we were invited to our second children’s birthday party here in India. The first one was back in March, and was quite an experience. This party was at the same place, and it was even more festive than the first. There were probably about 100 guests with children of all ages to celebrate little Krishna’s 3rd birthday. In addition to a magician (Mr. Sendhu), face painter (Ms. Pratima) and ‘bouncy castle’, there was a full food spread of dosai, mini-idli, pizza, quiche and all the ice cream that kids could eat. Kaia enjoyed himself, but was a bit overwhelmed by all of the noise and games. He wanted to go home after about 90 minutes. It was really cute when we said goodbye to Krisna and his parents, as Kaia and Krishna shared an unprovoked embrace. Kaia was sad to have to wash off his crab and heart paintings, but at least we have the photos as a reminder.

Why I Love this Time: Amazingly, how comfortable many aspects of life have become that I never would have imagined would be the case. Humans do have a way of settling down and finding their own happy rhythms.

Kites

The past few evenings Kaia and indiapapa have been spending time on the beach in the last afternoon, after naptime. He’s been getting up around 4:30pm and then after a little snack, we head down the stairs and out the gate to the beach that sits right below our flat. Kaia’s mama has been gone since Monday, so we’ve had a little more time than usual to hang out, and these walks on the beach have been a lot of fun for both of us. Lately I have been far too immersed in my writing, so being able to get out is a really good thing for me. Kaia really enjoys watching the people and all of the sights—the boys playing soccer, roaming dogs, the peanut man, lovers who rise to pinch his cheeks. On Tuesday, Kaia had the opportunity to do something for the first time—fly a kite. There are usually very good breezes along our beachfront and it is a nice place for this kind of activity.

A young boy—about 8 or 9—was flying he kite and offered the string to Kaia. Kaia had been admiring the kite for a few minutes (he always is quick to spot kites), so it was a bit of a surprise to suddenly be holding it! In typical Kaia fashion when thrust into new things, he stood there with a serious look, staring ahead, completely frozen. It took a bit of coaxing from the boy and myself to get him to loosen up a bit and get into fact that he was now flying a kite! A few times he let go of the string, and the boy would go into full sprint to dive and retrieve it. Of course, with the kind of patience that most Indians exhibit with children, he would bring it right back to him.

The second evening, Kaia flew a kite made from a plastic shopping bag and twigs. It was really quite a remarkable thing to be holding up in the strong wind as it was. We were out that evening with Sethu and also had a chance to visit Kaia’s favorite beachside temple, which I am told has gained in popularity since the tsunami. This is because on our strip of beach, the water did not come up very high—this, of course, is purported to be because of its special significance.

Why I Love this Time: Third person references—“Kaia is sad. Kaia wants to eat strawberries. Kaia loves you.”

Pongal

Today marks the end of Pongal, the four day harvest festival that is predominantly celebrated here in Tamil Nadu. While it may be hard for folks in places where is continues to be dark, rainy and freezing to imagine a harvest festival at this time of year, indeed it does happen. And here, it happens in a big way, over four days. Kaia celebrated Pongal at school and here he is in his Indian attire.

The first day, Bhogi, people celebrate by throwing away and burning old clothes to mark the end of the old and the beginning of the new. I am not sure what qualifies as ‘old’ clothes, but with many living in poverty within arms reach, I can imagine better uses for unwanted garments. I marked the occasion by re-organizing Kaia’s clothes and removing the things that he either cannot fit into anymore or that are just too dirty.

Anyway…on day two, Pongal, people celebrate by boiling rice with fresh milk and sugar cane from early in the morning, allowing it to boil over. This is an important tradition, and the boiled over rice is offered as an act of thanks to the Sun God for growing the crops. In the elaborate kolam that Joyce has made, you can see the pot and the boiling over rice. Also, it is quite a sight to see so many folks the day before Pongal walking and driving around with long cuts of sugar cane. Kaia made a Pongal pot at Kids Central to celebrate the day.

Day three, maattu pongal, is giving thanks to the cows for providing milk and plowing the land. Oddly enough, in a show of ‘respect’ there is an event called Jallikattu that resembles something of a cattle wrestling contest where brash young men try to tame agitated bulls—many of which have been intoxicated with alcohol. Not exactly a PETA approved event. In the local paper they had this photo (at left). I don’t know what effect they were trying for with the contrast, but I found the contrast to be quite humorous.

The final day, kaanum pongal, people will visit beaches and visit with friends and families. Our beach was not as crowded as I expected that it would be, but there were still quite a few people out and about. Man, there sure are a lot of celebrations and holidays in this place!

Why I Love this Time: The laughter that comes in a shower.

With Others

Little kids know much more than we give them credit for, and one of the great challenges in being their parents is to respect their feelings, particularly when they are negative toward something. It is, of course, a very tricky balance to strike between permitting their distaste for something and encouraging them to reconsider their initial impulse. This is particularly hard when it comes to interactions with people.

In almost all cases, Kaia is very open to others. Understandably, he takes a little while to assess the situation and who the people are, but once he feels comfortable, he is very quick to reach out, particularly if his mama and/or papa are around. As I have written before, this has made him popular in many places throughout the city as he will go to folks whom he recognizes, shake hands and offer a ‘nandri’ and wave good-bye that insures some sweet on the return visit. But there are some people who he will not go to and who really cannot find his favor. I can remember back in Japan there was a woman who really wanted to get close to Kaia—making him small toys, bringing him gifts, always trying to make him laugh—but he never warmed up to her. She was a very nice person, but couldn’t seem to connect with him. In India, there have been only a few incidents—mostly with folks who were too aggressive in their pinching of cheeks and demands to carry. Just over New Year’s, when we revisited the guest house that we stayed in for the first 2 months of our time here (and where most of the handful of negative interactions occurred), he was again pummeled by demands to carry and hold and he ended up sobbing (the first time I ever saw him do this) while two women fought over who could carry him first. Of course, no one asked him if he wanted to be carried in the first place.

There have been other times when Kaia just doesn’t want to be with someone—usually, clearly indicated by his waving and saying “go bye-bye” to the person of (dis)interest. As his papa, it is kind of hard to watch him dismiss someone who only wants his attention or affection. Yet I have to wonder why he gets like this sometimes, particularly since he is a very social and open little guy. What is it about certain people that makes him not want to be with them? I don’t think that I can make broad generalizations about this behavior, but can only speculate from context. Often times, I see forms of disrespect or clear lack of consideration for his feeling when the “bye-bye hand” comes out. The previous example of two people fighting over carrying privileges is one. Another is what I would consider to be inappropriate behavior like laughing when Kaia is crying. Little kids act out or cry because they lack the verbal skills to fully communicate what concerns them. Laughing—even if what they are upset about is cute or funny—is not the way to show them respect and to let them know that they are being understood.

Kindness and compassion are something that I think that little kids instinctively are drawn to. In the same way, I think that a lack of these things repels children, who have little use for people who cannot express love and tenderness in some form or fashion. Often times, kids can bring it out of adults who rarely show these sides of themselves. People are transformed and connections drawn that deepen lives. Sadly, some—perhaps from their own upbringing where these things were absent, cultural and/or gender norms that crush the ability to express love, or their own indifference—cannot reach out and make connections and this is very painful to watch. When I observe them with Kaia I can only wonder what happened? I know that this is firmly rooted in my own cultural bias, but how did they come to lack the ability to show or express love to others? I suppose that somewhere in the search for these answers lives the key to connection, and bringing down the ‘bye-bye hand’ and stepping into meaningful hugs.

These experiences remind me that for all of the so-called skills that I work to foster within Kaia, it is far more important to cultivate a sense of love and compassion for others within him. It is part of my daily prayer for him that he grows into this kind of person—one who fills others with life and lifts their spirits. Curiously he already does this to me on a daily basis—perhaps this is one of those instant answers to my prayers. Perhaps if I keep on doing it, one day, Kaia will be able to even teach love to those who do not know. Maybe, as indiamama has said, folks like this “don’t even know or think about it”. For sure, this could be true. But for them, I hope that it is not.

Why I Love this Time: “Papa, let’s play cricket on the beach”! So much for baseball, I guess…

Eating Out

Perhaps the thing that we do most as a family here in Madras is eat out. With the last decade’s money boom echoing throughout the city, there is no shortage of fine dining establishments to be found. We have our favorite places and, after being here for one year, people know us well at those places, especially Kaia. Being privileged here with our relatively great wealth has allowed us to dine at places that we normally wouldn’t frequent as often, and to experience a side of life that we wouldn’t ever be able to afford in the US or Japan. As a result of our frequency to various establishments, Kaia is a well known patron throughout the city. We’ve taken advantage of the good buffets here in the city since he’s still too young to have to pay for, but often times he’ll eat a full plate. Perhaps the nicest spread can be found at the Park Sheraton in Alwarpet and we go there at least once a month.

Last week it came to our attention that we’d forgotten Sekar birthday. More accurately, he’d not told us that it was on December 3^rd. So, as a way to make up for the mistake, we celebrated his 34^th birthday on January 3^rd and went to the Park Sheraton for lunch with Joyce as well. It was the first time that Sekar had been to lunch there, and the third for Joyce and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect with their reactions to the place. Of course, Sekar is usually dropping us off and waiting for us to finish, but this time was a rather different experience for him. Often times on the weekends, we convince Sekar to eat with us—especially if we’re out of the city—but this was a bit unique since the Park Sheraton is considered to be the elite hotel in the city. It did not surprise me that he was feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Of course, Kaia knows very well about the “Pahku Sherten” and he can quickly find his way to the restaurant and even walks through the front door like he owns the place—we just follow him, and with the greetings of “hello Kaia” and the candy offerings, it isn’t so far off to suggest that he does. Since we usually eat lunch early (12:30pm), places are generally quite empty when we eat. This time, there were only about 20 other people dining at the time and most were foreigners, presumably guests of the hotel. As we sat down, Joyce and Sekar we whispering to one another and giggling like children, pointing to the ornately decorated facilities and formality of it all. With a buffet, of course, you start at your own pace and eat until you cannot anymore. Joyce explained the procedures to Sekar and they went off to fill their plates. In the past when we’re eaten out with Sekar he is (understandably) reluctant to order anything beyond simple—usually asking for curd rice. Knowing him well enough know, we’ll usually just order something that we know he’ll like—like a tandoori kabab—and save him the discomfort. Anyway, this time he filled up his plate and dug right in—literally, as he ate as most South Indians do, with their right hand. Just for the record, indiapapa (and Kaia) love eating South Indian style, but this time Joyce nudged him and gestured to the silverware. I noticed this and told him that it was fine to eat however you wanted and I’m sure that the food wouldn’t have tasted quite the same had it slipped into his mouth with a fork or spoon. After finishing the first plate he was off for seconds, albeit in disbelief that you went and got a new plate every time. Joyce and he giggled again. Meanwhile, the little Bear munched away at his standard fare—pappad, rice, pasta, shrimp, poached fish—with great anticipation for the dessert table.

After three plates, Sekar was sated and ready for the dessert table—ice creams, cakes and overall sweet heaven. We then gave him his birthday presents and wrapped up the meal. The total cost of the meal was around $60 and for Kaia it was just another lunch. But for Joyce and Sekar, who would have to be considered as middle-class Indians, eating here is simply out of reach—both in cost and status. I have said this in other postings, but living here with an expat salary qualifies us within the hyper-elite of Indian society: able to move and do just about whatever we please and still manage to accumulate wealth. It is not a place where we would be living in the US or Japan with our salaries—not even close—but it is an odd state of living to experience for even a short period of time. I am not comfortable with the inequality that exists between me and those closest to me here, not the privilege that comes with the wealth. However, it is a complicated thing and one that cannot be dismissed with guilt-laden confessionals or simple-minded charity. One of the things that I love about this place is how it has challenged me to understand these disparities on my own terms. Not through some PC colored lens or radical academic, post-colonial theory. It is much more difficult to chip away at the ossified assumptions and see what lies within—and what is true to you. Who would have thought that a hotel buffet would have this much to offer?

Why I Love this Time: Making salads out of plastic and wooden fruits and veggies.