With Others

Little kids know much more than we give them credit for, and one of the great challenges in being their parents is to respect their feelings, particularly when they are negative toward something. It is, of course, a very tricky balance to strike between permitting their distaste for something and encouraging them to reconsider their initial impulse. This is particularly hard when it comes to interactions with people.

In almost all cases, Kaia is very open to others. Understandably, he takes a little while to assess the situation and who the people are, but once he feels comfortable, he is very quick to reach out, particularly if his mama and/or papa are around. As I have written before, this has made him popular in many places throughout the city as he will go to folks whom he recognizes, shake hands and offer a ‘nandri’ and wave good-bye that insures some sweet on the return visit. But there are some people who he will not go to and who really cannot find his favor. I can remember back in Japan there was a woman who really wanted to get close to Kaia—making him small toys, bringing him gifts, always trying to make him laugh—but he never warmed up to her. She was a very nice person, but couldn’t seem to connect with him. In India, there have been only a few incidents—mostly with folks who were too aggressive in their pinching of cheeks and demands to carry. Just over New Year’s, when we revisited the guest house that we stayed in for the first 2 months of our time here (and where most of the handful of negative interactions occurred), he was again pummeled by demands to carry and hold and he ended up sobbing (the first time I ever saw him do this) while two women fought over who could carry him first. Of course, no one asked him if he wanted to be carried in the first place.

There have been other times when Kaia just doesn’t want to be with someone—usually, clearly indicated by his waving and saying “go bye-bye” to the person of (dis)interest. As his papa, it is kind of hard to watch him dismiss someone who only wants his attention or affection. Yet I have to wonder why he gets like this sometimes, particularly since he is a very social and open little guy. What is it about certain people that makes him not want to be with them? I don’t think that I can make broad generalizations about this behavior, but can only speculate from context. Often times, I see forms of disrespect or clear lack of consideration for his feeling when the “bye-bye hand” comes out. The previous example of two people fighting over carrying privileges is one. Another is what I would consider to be inappropriate behavior like laughing when Kaia is crying. Little kids act out or cry because they lack the verbal skills to fully communicate what concerns them. Laughing—even if what they are upset about is cute or funny—is not the way to show them respect and to let them know that they are being understood.

Kindness and compassion are something that I think that little kids instinctively are drawn to. In the same way, I think that a lack of these things repels children, who have little use for people who cannot express love and tenderness in some form or fashion. Often times, kids can bring it out of adults who rarely show these sides of themselves. People are transformed and connections drawn that deepen lives. Sadly, some—perhaps from their own upbringing where these things were absent, cultural and/or gender norms that crush the ability to express love, or their own indifference—cannot reach out and make connections and this is very painful to watch. When I observe them with Kaia I can only wonder what happened? I know that this is firmly rooted in my own cultural bias, but how did they come to lack the ability to show or express love to others? I suppose that somewhere in the search for these answers lives the key to connection, and bringing down the ‘bye-bye hand’ and stepping into meaningful hugs.

These experiences remind me that for all of the so-called skills that I work to foster within Kaia, it is far more important to cultivate a sense of love and compassion for others within him. It is part of my daily prayer for him that he grows into this kind of person—one who fills others with life and lifts their spirits. Curiously he already does this to me on a daily basis—perhaps this is one of those instant answers to my prayers. Perhaps if I keep on doing it, one day, Kaia will be able to even teach love to those who do not know. Maybe, as indiamama has said, folks like this “don’t even know or think about it”. For sure, this could be true. But for them, I hope that it is not.

Why I Love this Time: “Papa, let’s play cricket on the beach”! So much for baseball, I guess…