One Year Anniversary

Today marks the completion of one full year that we have been here in India. One year ago, we were spending our last (cold) night in Japan at our favorite cheap Narita hotel and getting ready to board a Singapore Airlines (business class!) flight that would eventually make its way to Chennai at 10:15pm on the 31^st. The anxiety of that time is still very fresh for me—worrying about our weight restriction for baggage (wasn’t an issue), transitioning to being a full-time dad, leaving a very nice life in Japan, and of course, the unknown of being in India with a little guy. Looking back, it is hard to say how much I have changed and grown as a result of being here. The challenges have been many with indiamama’s work demands and the first three months were really difficult for all of us, I think. Kaia wasn’t in a school that either of us felt comfortable with, the search for a home just dragged on and on, the place where we were staying was packed with mosquitoes, and the weather just got more and more hot by the minute. There were all kinds of other difficulties with what we were expecting and what the reality was, but you can read about those in the logs of this weblog, if you’re so inclined. In all, I have never had a 12 month period where time and events seemed to go so rapidly and slowly at the same time. While I spun my wheels, trying anyway to get my writing started, Kaia was maturing by the second. I feel very honored to have witnessed it so closely for these past 12 months. Here are some photos comparing then and now.

Why I Love this Time: There were many times when I thought we wouldn’t last one more day, much less making it the whole year that we had committed to originally. Many challenges have certainly toughened our hides…

Republic Day

The streak of holidays around this time of year is quite remarkable. I know that I am exaggerating here, but it seems like every week since the beginning of Diwali in November there has been some day or festival celebrating this or that. Today, we observed yet another—Republic Day—marking the ratification of the Indian constitution and its emergence as an independent state. Today, all over the country, the day is celebrated with parades and here in Madras it was no different. I experienced the patriotism from early in the morning on my 6:30am run when I noticed that just about everyone I was running past along the beach road had an Indian flag pinned to their shirt. Already, by 7:00am there was a stage area set up near out place and music blasting national anthems. It was not a typical run. But, then again, when is it ever?

Kaia and his mama went to see a parade this morning and these are some of the shots from their experience. Apparently the different floats were rather interesting and odd—from the one with infamous Chief Minister Jayalalitha cradling a child in a God-like pose to that with the woman auto-rickshaw driver as the symbol of gender equality. In retrospect, I wish that I would have gone—especially on this day when the state has an opportunity to show off its true colors to the public—but alas, writing called. Anyway, from the looks of the photos, it seems that Kaia was a little puzzled by the floats as well. His highlight was seeing the “hebecobba” (helicopter and one of the cutest words these days) that was patrolling the beach in search of potential terrorists.

Why I Love this Time: The ticklish feet when washing at bathtime.

And a View from the Shore

This is a bit off-topic in that it does not relate to Kaia, however I witnessed something on the way home from my run today that truly captures this place. My typical course is to run from our apartment building, towards town, through a temple/shopping area, and back home via the beach. Generally, I’ll stop about a ¼ of a mile from our place and walk home just to cool down and enjoy the early morning sights and all the various things going on at the beach at that time of day. As I walked back along the shoreline, I saw a man squatting and staring out at the sunrise. Of course, with two fisherman encampments on either side of our beach area, it is not surprising to see men taking care of their morning business (this is why I don’t run on the shoreline—too many paddies to dodge). But today, it was a bit different.

The area where I was walking back is not usually visited by defecating fisherfolk. In fact, it is just not practical as it is quite a ways from their homes—but this man was clearly not a fisherman based on his attire (rather new lungi) and age (probably in his mid-50s). I imagine that he, like the hundreds of folks who walk, run, practice yoga, etc. on this strip of beach every morning, was out exercising and felt the call. As I have written about before, relieving yourself in public is not so shocking (at least urinating), so I guess he wanted to get a bit away from the crowd and find some ‘privacy’.

When I spotted him, I was about 50 feet away and noticed that he, like me, was enjoying the beautiful sunrise this morning. I suppose that the Chennai pollution has something to do with it, but at times the sunrise can be truly spectacular. I am not as taken aback as I once was when seeing someone dumping out in public as I once was, but it is still a bit arresting, particularly when it is someone what you wouldn’t expect to be doing it (i.e. Fisherman or street dweller). But what made this episode so unique was what was in his hand—a cellphone—and what he was doing at the same time as taking a dump—talking on it. I was both humored and contemplative at the sight—this, in many ways, is today’s India. Public health nightmare with the cutting edge of technology in your foreground, while beyond it are vast depths of beauty and opportunity. Many cannot get past that first image—the figure of a middle-aged, middle class man’s drooping genitals or the fact that he could be talking to the other side of the world are just too strong. But if you can move beyond this, there are many amazing vistas to experience. Of course, he and his actions are very much part of the landscape (not to mention the polluted coastline), but the point is to experience it all. I just had to stop and stare, wishing that I had my camera to mark the moment for all time. But, you’ll just have to imagine it (if you want)…I know I’ll never forgot it.

Why I Love this Time: Bubbles and a 2 ½ year old make for enormous fun.

Birthday Party #2

This evening we were invited to our second children’s birthday party here in India. The first one was back in March, and was quite an experience. This party was at the same place, and it was even more festive than the first. There were probably about 100 guests with children of all ages to celebrate little Krishna’s 3rd birthday. In addition to a magician (Mr. Sendhu), face painter (Ms. Pratima) and ‘bouncy castle’, there was a full food spread of dosai, mini-idli, pizza, quiche and all the ice cream that kids could eat. Kaia enjoyed himself, but was a bit overwhelmed by all of the noise and games. He wanted to go home after about 90 minutes. It was really cute when we said goodbye to Krisna and his parents, as Kaia and Krishna shared an unprovoked embrace. Kaia was sad to have to wash off his crab and heart paintings, but at least we have the photos as a reminder.

Why I Love this Time: Amazingly, how comfortable many aspects of life have become that I never would have imagined would be the case. Humans do have a way of settling down and finding their own happy rhythms.

Kites

The past few evenings Kaia and indiapapa have been spending time on the beach in the last afternoon, after naptime. He’s been getting up around 4:30pm and then after a little snack, we head down the stairs and out the gate to the beach that sits right below our flat. Kaia’s mama has been gone since Monday, so we’ve had a little more time than usual to hang out, and these walks on the beach have been a lot of fun for both of us. Lately I have been far too immersed in my writing, so being able to get out is a really good thing for me. Kaia really enjoys watching the people and all of the sights—the boys playing soccer, roaming dogs, the peanut man, lovers who rise to pinch his cheeks. On Tuesday, Kaia had the opportunity to do something for the first time—fly a kite. There are usually very good breezes along our beachfront and it is a nice place for this kind of activity.

A young boy—about 8 or 9—was flying he kite and offered the string to Kaia. Kaia had been admiring the kite for a few minutes (he always is quick to spot kites), so it was a bit of a surprise to suddenly be holding it! In typical Kaia fashion when thrust into new things, he stood there with a serious look, staring ahead, completely frozen. It took a bit of coaxing from the boy and myself to get him to loosen up a bit and get into fact that he was now flying a kite! A few times he let go of the string, and the boy would go into full sprint to dive and retrieve it. Of course, with the kind of patience that most Indians exhibit with children, he would bring it right back to him.

The second evening, Kaia flew a kite made from a plastic shopping bag and twigs. It was really quite a remarkable thing to be holding up in the strong wind as it was. We were out that evening with Sethu and also had a chance to visit Kaia’s favorite beachside temple, which I am told has gained in popularity since the tsunami. This is because on our strip of beach, the water did not come up very high—this, of course, is purported to be because of its special significance.

Why I Love this Time: Third person references—“Kaia is sad. Kaia wants to eat strawberries. Kaia loves you.”

Pongal

Today marks the end of Pongal, the four day harvest festival that is predominantly celebrated here in Tamil Nadu. While it may be hard for folks in places where is continues to be dark, rainy and freezing to imagine a harvest festival at this time of year, indeed it does happen. And here, it happens in a big way, over four days. Kaia celebrated Pongal at school and here he is in his Indian attire.

The first day, Bhogi, people celebrate by throwing away and burning old clothes to mark the end of the old and the beginning of the new. I am not sure what qualifies as ‘old’ clothes, but with many living in poverty within arms reach, I can imagine better uses for unwanted garments. I marked the occasion by re-organizing Kaia’s clothes and removing the things that he either cannot fit into anymore or that are just too dirty.

Anyway…on day two, Pongal, people celebrate by boiling rice with fresh milk and sugar cane from early in the morning, allowing it to boil over. This is an important tradition, and the boiled over rice is offered as an act of thanks to the Sun God for growing the crops. In the elaborate kolam that Joyce has made, you can see the pot and the boiling over rice. Also, it is quite a sight to see so many folks the day before Pongal walking and driving around with long cuts of sugar cane. Kaia made a Pongal pot at Kids Central to celebrate the day.

Day three, maattu pongal, is giving thanks to the cows for providing milk and plowing the land. Oddly enough, in a show of ‘respect’ there is an event called Jallikattu that resembles something of a cattle wrestling contest where brash young men try to tame agitated bulls—many of which have been intoxicated with alcohol. Not exactly a PETA approved event. In the local paper they had this photo (at left). I don’t know what effect they were trying for with the contrast, but I found the contrast to be quite humorous.

The final day, kaanum pongal, people will visit beaches and visit with friends and families. Our beach was not as crowded as I expected that it would be, but there were still quite a few people out and about. Man, there sure are a lot of celebrations and holidays in this place!

Why I Love this Time: The laughter that comes in a shower.

With Others

Little kids know much more than we give them credit for, and one of the great challenges in being their parents is to respect their feelings, particularly when they are negative toward something. It is, of course, a very tricky balance to strike between permitting their distaste for something and encouraging them to reconsider their initial impulse. This is particularly hard when it comes to interactions with people.

In almost all cases, Kaia is very open to others. Understandably, he takes a little while to assess the situation and who the people are, but once he feels comfortable, he is very quick to reach out, particularly if his mama and/or papa are around. As I have written before, this has made him popular in many places throughout the city as he will go to folks whom he recognizes, shake hands and offer a ‘nandri’ and wave good-bye that insures some sweet on the return visit. But there are some people who he will not go to and who really cannot find his favor. I can remember back in Japan there was a woman who really wanted to get close to Kaia—making him small toys, bringing him gifts, always trying to make him laugh—but he never warmed up to her. She was a very nice person, but couldn’t seem to connect with him. In India, there have been only a few incidents—mostly with folks who were too aggressive in their pinching of cheeks and demands to carry. Just over New Year’s, when we revisited the guest house that we stayed in for the first 2 months of our time here (and where most of the handful of negative interactions occurred), he was again pummeled by demands to carry and hold and he ended up sobbing (the first time I ever saw him do this) while two women fought over who could carry him first. Of course, no one asked him if he wanted to be carried in the first place.

There have been other times when Kaia just doesn’t want to be with someone—usually, clearly indicated by his waving and saying “go bye-bye” to the person of (dis)interest. As his papa, it is kind of hard to watch him dismiss someone who only wants his attention or affection. Yet I have to wonder why he gets like this sometimes, particularly since he is a very social and open little guy. What is it about certain people that makes him not want to be with them? I don’t think that I can make broad generalizations about this behavior, but can only speculate from context. Often times, I see forms of disrespect or clear lack of consideration for his feeling when the “bye-bye hand” comes out. The previous example of two people fighting over carrying privileges is one. Another is what I would consider to be inappropriate behavior like laughing when Kaia is crying. Little kids act out or cry because they lack the verbal skills to fully communicate what concerns them. Laughing—even if what they are upset about is cute or funny—is not the way to show them respect and to let them know that they are being understood.

Kindness and compassion are something that I think that little kids instinctively are drawn to. In the same way, I think that a lack of these things repels children, who have little use for people who cannot express love and tenderness in some form or fashion. Often times, kids can bring it out of adults who rarely show these sides of themselves. People are transformed and connections drawn that deepen lives. Sadly, some—perhaps from their own upbringing where these things were absent, cultural and/or gender norms that crush the ability to express love, or their own indifference—cannot reach out and make connections and this is very painful to watch. When I observe them with Kaia I can only wonder what happened? I know that this is firmly rooted in my own cultural bias, but how did they come to lack the ability to show or express love to others? I suppose that somewhere in the search for these answers lives the key to connection, and bringing down the ‘bye-bye hand’ and stepping into meaningful hugs.

These experiences remind me that for all of the so-called skills that I work to foster within Kaia, it is far more important to cultivate a sense of love and compassion for others within him. It is part of my daily prayer for him that he grows into this kind of person—one who fills others with life and lifts their spirits. Curiously he already does this to me on a daily basis—perhaps this is one of those instant answers to my prayers. Perhaps if I keep on doing it, one day, Kaia will be able to even teach love to those who do not know. Maybe, as indiamama has said, folks like this “don’t even know or think about it”. For sure, this could be true. But for them, I hope that it is not.

Why I Love this Time: “Papa, let’s play cricket on the beach”! So much for baseball, I guess…

Eating Out

Perhaps the thing that we do most as a family here in Madras is eat out. With the last decade’s money boom echoing throughout the city, there is no shortage of fine dining establishments to be found. We have our favorite places and, after being here for one year, people know us well at those places, especially Kaia. Being privileged here with our relatively great wealth has allowed us to dine at places that we normally wouldn’t frequent as often, and to experience a side of life that we wouldn’t ever be able to afford in the US or Japan. As a result of our frequency to various establishments, Kaia is a well known patron throughout the city. We’ve taken advantage of the good buffets here in the city since he’s still too young to have to pay for, but often times he’ll eat a full plate. Perhaps the nicest spread can be found at the Park Sheraton in Alwarpet and we go there at least once a month.

Last week it came to our attention that we’d forgotten Sekar birthday. More accurately, he’d not told us that it was on December 3^rd. So, as a way to make up for the mistake, we celebrated his 34^th birthday on January 3^rd and went to the Park Sheraton for lunch with Joyce as well. It was the first time that Sekar had been to lunch there, and the third for Joyce and I wasn’t quite sure what to expect with their reactions to the place. Of course, Sekar is usually dropping us off and waiting for us to finish, but this time was a rather different experience for him. Often times on the weekends, we convince Sekar to eat with us—especially if we’re out of the city—but this was a bit unique since the Park Sheraton is considered to be the elite hotel in the city. It did not surprise me that he was feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Of course, Kaia knows very well about the “Pahku Sherten” and he can quickly find his way to the restaurant and even walks through the front door like he owns the place—we just follow him, and with the greetings of “hello Kaia” and the candy offerings, it isn’t so far off to suggest that he does. Since we usually eat lunch early (12:30pm), places are generally quite empty when we eat. This time, there were only about 20 other people dining at the time and most were foreigners, presumably guests of the hotel. As we sat down, Joyce and Sekar we whispering to one another and giggling like children, pointing to the ornately decorated facilities and formality of it all. With a buffet, of course, you start at your own pace and eat until you cannot anymore. Joyce explained the procedures to Sekar and they went off to fill their plates. In the past when we’re eaten out with Sekar he is (understandably) reluctant to order anything beyond simple—usually asking for curd rice. Knowing him well enough know, we’ll usually just order something that we know he’ll like—like a tandoori kabab—and save him the discomfort. Anyway, this time he filled up his plate and dug right in—literally, as he ate as most South Indians do, with their right hand. Just for the record, indiapapa (and Kaia) love eating South Indian style, but this time Joyce nudged him and gestured to the silverware. I noticed this and told him that it was fine to eat however you wanted and I’m sure that the food wouldn’t have tasted quite the same had it slipped into his mouth with a fork or spoon. After finishing the first plate he was off for seconds, albeit in disbelief that you went and got a new plate every time. Joyce and he giggled again. Meanwhile, the little Bear munched away at his standard fare—pappad, rice, pasta, shrimp, poached fish—with great anticipation for the dessert table.

After three plates, Sekar was sated and ready for the dessert table—ice creams, cakes and overall sweet heaven. We then gave him his birthday presents and wrapped up the meal. The total cost of the meal was around $60 and for Kaia it was just another lunch. But for Joyce and Sekar, who would have to be considered as middle-class Indians, eating here is simply out of reach—both in cost and status. I have said this in other postings, but living here with an expat salary qualifies us within the hyper-elite of Indian society: able to move and do just about whatever we please and still manage to accumulate wealth. It is not a place where we would be living in the US or Japan with our salaries—not even close—but it is an odd state of living to experience for even a short period of time. I am not comfortable with the inequality that exists between me and those closest to me here, not the privilege that comes with the wealth. However, it is a complicated thing and one that cannot be dismissed with guilt-laden confessionals or simple-minded charity. One of the things that I love about this place is how it has challenged me to understand these disparities on my own terms. Not through some PC colored lens or radical academic, post-colonial theory. It is much more difficult to chip away at the ossified assumptions and see what lies within—and what is true to you. Who would have thought that a hotel buffet would have this much to offer?

Why I Love this Time: Making salads out of plastic and wooden fruits and veggies.

Kanchipuram

Yesterday everyone (except Indiapapa) went to visit the highly regarded temple town called Kanchipuram. Indiapapa was able to do some work on the old dissertation and Kaia was able to enjoy one of his great pleasures in India—temples. It is really quite funny and remarkable how he has taken to Hinduism, particularly the different places of worship—knowing them by name (just today he told me that a temple that we go by everyday is a Kali temple, which I did not know) and being able to anticipate them coming as be drive on by. Of course, here in India there are temples literally just around every corner and in all sizes. I would really be interested to know how certain sites are deemed holy enough for a temple—not the big ones, but the small kinds like you see sandwiched in between peoples homes and in seemingly odd places, like the on the beach that is just up from our home. Is there some bureaucratic arm that sanctions these?

Anyway, as it turns out, it was a good thing (at least for me) that I didn’t go. After they ate lunch, Sekar locked the key in the car and that set in motion a chain of events that involved finding the spare set of keys here in Madras, driving them out to Kanchipuram (2 hours away) and then coming back. Kaia and his mama and ojiichan took a taxi back, so they were able to get back in time, but poor Sekar didn’t get back here until nearly 8pm. To make matters worse for him, he shattered the rear window when he was trying to pry it open to get access to the inside. Poor guy felt so bad about the whole incident. I was just so shocked that the remedy went as smoothly as it did! Where’s AAA when you need them?

Why I Love this Time: How words will sometimes take on a “d” at the end—like “paperd” or “goned”.

Ojiichan

Yesterday afternoon Kaia’s ojiichan (grandfather) arrive from Japan. He’ll be staying with us for about 10 days and I’m looking forward to Kaia getting a bit more Japanese language stimulation. Of course, ojiichan was very popular upon his arrival as it was well known that he would be bringing a large collection of recently ordered Japanese books, Japanese snacks and other goodies that you can only find in Nihon. It was actually quite funny (and interesting) to watch Kaia look through his new Japanese books and refuse that anyone read them to him, except for his mama. You see, English books are ‘papa’s books’ and Japanese books are ‘mama’s’. Being in India has meant that we have been able to amass quite a few English titles at very low prices (if not lacking in binding quality), but nothing in Japanese. So, not since last summer, when we were in Japan for a few weeks, has he been able to get new and more age appropriate books. Anyway, now ojiichan is here and already working with Kaia on his kana recognition. Ganbatte little bear!

Why I Love this Time: For the first time today he urinated standing up—in typical Indian fashion, on the side of the road. It was very funny because all he would say is “like a man” which you might think meant that he associated peeing standing up with being grown up, but is actually because you tend to see dozens of folks within any given ½ mile stretch doing their business on a wall, in a ditch or just out in the open. So, “like a man” really means being like the folks (from all classes) he sees when we’re walking or driving around!

Back to School

Well, the holiday break is officially over and it is back to Kids Central for Kaia and work for his mama. We had a great week together and Kaia will be starting 5 day a week pre-school that goes from 930am-12 noon. His first day went well today without any tears (although he was a bit clingy in the beginning) and I think that he will really develop a lot over the next three months during his time in school here. Here is a photo of him, Joyce and Sekar after doing the typical ‘first day of school’ puja blessing.

Why I Love this Time: The love Kaia has for Joyce and Sekar.

New Years

I did not expect that New Years would be quite the celebration that it is here. Having seen how folks celebrate Diwali and other important holidays, I had thought that it would be something of that nature—loud and observed, but not over the top. For this reason, we were in for a bit of a surprise when all of the revelry started around 9pm. In the area where we live, all of the apartment buildings have large rooftop areas that can be used for different purposes—storing water tanks, hanging laundry, and in this case, holding huge parties with live bands. Just in our neighborhood there were, at least, three different parties happening, each with their own (in typical Indian style) treble infused, ear shattering sound-system. In our building, the Association Director had organized a party of his own with friends and family and they started off around 7:30 pm. We were invited to join, but since we already had an invitation to attend another party, were only able to drop by for a short time. By the time we made it up there the band was already in full swing and they had a Rajnikanth impersonator dancing and doing his act. It was quite entertaining. What was perhaps the most remarkable to me, however, is how in a 6 piece band, they managed to have 4 percussionists! You may not be able to tell from the photo, but they had a four different guys playing the electronic drums, a standard Western drum set, the congos, and the tabla. I addition to them, there was a keyboard player and a vocalist. Amazing. I guess in this country, you can never have enough percussion! After this party, we made our way across the crowded metropolis and to our friends’ guest house. There they also had a live performance by a more traditional singing duo. As the prior post explained, Kaia goes into a hypnotic trance when listening to traditional Indian music and this case was no different. He was captivated until midnight, upon which we moved outside to watch the fireworks and ring in the new year. The ride back home was filled with inebriated young men waving and cavorting around (not a woman to be seen) the streets. More than once a group stopped our car to wave and yell. Even Sekar couldn’t understand what they were saying to us because they were too wasted! In all a very memorable New Years celebration. Here is hoping that 2006 holds even better things.

Why I Love this time: Improving on his potty training skills to be “like papa”.