Nearing an End

Well, some 18 months or so ago, we started here. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to keep it up on a regular basis, and certainly unsure about how our experience would end up being there in Southern India. It has been nearly a month since we left India and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect upon many of the things that we were able to do, people we met, challenges we faced, and ways we all grew. As anyone who has read this weblog regularly knows, it was not an easy time living in Chennai. Indiamama’s workload bordered on inhumane and it put a serious strain on many aspects of our life. While the terms under which we agreed to come were very different than the reality, I don’t think that we would have changed our decision to move to India. I have plenty of things to say about indiamama’s work, and have intentionally refrained from discussing them in this weblog unless they directly pertain to parenting Kaia. Therefore, I’m not going to start now—if you would like to hear more, you are more than welcome to email me! But back to more important matters: life and the return.

If you joined along for most of the ride, you were privy to Kaia’s amazing growth as a human being--His school, his art, his food, those he loves, his beach, his bath, and his home. You were also able to peer into my many fears, failures, joys and highs as a full-time father in an unfamiliar place. Admittedly, the quality of writing lagged far behind what I was hoping would continue in early entries, and I often let photos speak for me (I originally had planned to make this a text-only weblog, forcing me to be more rich with my descriptions), but in the end I think I accomplished what I set out to do. Back in February of 2005, when I decided to start this journal, I set out the following ‘ground rules’ for myself:

1. Entries should only focus on being a full-time father and reflections on experiences with Kaia;
2. Reflections should start with the mundane in an practice of finding wonder in the ordinary;
3. Provide a male perspective on parenting that is rarely heard in the female dominated discourse on raising children;
4. Focus on issues that are either unique to being a parent or that are exaggerated when you become one (e.g. safety, health/medical care, child development, cultural interaction, etc.);
5. Try to always situate the mundane within the cultural context, trying as much as possible to weave in nuanced illustrations that offer some comparison or point of reference between Japan and/or the United States;
6. As India is something that grips all your senses, attempt to communicate through what Kaia and I see, hear, touch, smell and taste.

While I am tempted to conduct an evaluation of my efforts, I’ll just leave it be as I sure that this is something that will only truly come clear with the luxury of time and more reflection.

So where am I at now? I miss India but I am no so sure that I miss our life circumstance there. It has taken just until recently for indiamama to recover the 15% of body weight that she lost, lose the general obsession with work (nightmares, cold sweats, etc.), and re-connect with me and Kaia. Since her last day of work was April 8^th, this was truly a long time. I had never seen someone so mentally, physically and spiritually drained. It is great to see her back again.

I am also filled with anxiety about Joyce and her current situation. She started working for our friends a week after we left, but as you know, life has not been so kind to her recently. In the few times that we have spoken to her, she has said that she wants to kill herself and seems very serious. It weighs very heavy to know that someone so close to us is suffering like she is—both in her home and with our loss. I feel helpless and it has really been dominating my thoughts recently. Just the other day, she told our friends that she cannot work for them anymore and will be quitting at the end of June. She had mentioned to me when I spoke with her over the past weekend, that she wanted to finish working this month, and then die. According to her, her husband was actually encouraging her to do so. I’m just sick about the entire thing.

So this has colored a rather grey hue over my own re-entry to American society and life. When people ask, “does it feel good to be back?” I can unequivocally say “yes”, particular in how smoothly the entire domestic admin process has gone (it was more difficult six years ago to move from Davis, CA to Seattle, WA!). The fact that we have been managing all of our finances and accounts online for the past 3 years, makes the switch no more than a change of address, and at that, most of our statements are delivered electronically, without a hard copy. As well, with Skype and other forms of online communication (can you say 206 number in India—thanks Vonage!), we feel very close to many of our friends and family here. Of course, I already am seriously jonesing for a masala dosai…maybe on the drive up.

Why I Love this Time: To be able to visit with so many friends and family members is very rare at this age, I feel truly blessed about where the last three years have taken us…I would have never guessed it would be like this.

Last Leg

In a few days, we leave for the last leg of our transition back to Seattle. We have been in Laguna Beach for two weeks and it has been yet another opportunity to reflect upon the intense experience that we’ve had over the past 18 months. Reentry takes all kinds of forms and is very individualized, especially for our family. Being Japanese, indiamama really isn’t experiencing any ‘shock’ and while she is able to see things in a very different light, they are not accompanied by some of the same comforts and dislikes that I might feel being back in the US. There is a lot of anxiety that goes into major transitions like this, particularly when they involve being away from ‘home’ for nearly three years. I have to remind myself that I am not only re-entering from India, but from living in Japan as well. It has been such a unique time, the past 2 ½ years, and I have so many great memories of spending time with Kaia. I can remember in the final weeks in Japan, when things were very uncertain and the next steps were very divergent, going with Kaia to one of our favorite places to soak and run around—Epinard onsen. As I ran around with him in the large hallways and soaked in the hot baths, I can remember feeling these deep pangs of joy and loss—typical of what accompanies such departures. It was not just that we would soon be having to leave Japan, but also that this small boy was growing so quickly and these types of experiences would end soon. I have often told people that I first experienced this emotion on the 3^rd or 4^th day after Kaia’s birth—I was so filled with joy, but at the same time it was tempered by grief and loss.

So, the road to our ‘final’ destination starts soon. We will have the chance to see friends and family along the way, which is nice—especially for Kaia. I will submit my final entry to indiapap soon after we get to our new home in Bainbridge Island and I have a chance to reflect on the whole experience. For those of you who have followed along this far, thanks for reading and sending me your encouragement and comments. You too are close to the end of this journey. Thanks for coming along.

Why I Love this Time: Such anxiety disciplines you to breathe and focus on the now….not that that is so easy.

Laguna Beach

We've been transitioning through Kaia's grandparents' home in Laguna Beach since leaving Hawai'i and Kaia has been really flourishing. I was a bit concerned that the trauma of leaving India and the subsequent long trip back to some form of normalcy would really harm the guy, even stunt his development perhaps, but it seems that the opposite has been true. His vocabulary and communication skills have really taken off and I have been impressed by his social skills and ability to adapt quickly to new people and environments. We still talk about India quite often and, if asked, he'll say that India is his 'home', but he has really been able to enjoy where he is at. Perhaps it is all of the family member that he now has and can enjoy--he actually had his 3rd birthday cake (photo below) in a pool celebration with many of his 2nd cousins. He has also been able to see his great-grandmother, who is very near to passing away and the gravesite of his recently deceased great-grandfather. Making up for lost time with his grandparents, Kaia has also visited the San Diego Wild Animal Park and Disneyland, not to mention having his teeth cleaned for the first time by his Uncle Kevin!