indiapapa: the last

Perhaps I have been hesitating to write the ‘last’ entry for this weblog because I don’t want to accept that this experience is over. Perhaps it is because I am often overtaken by the waves of sadness that often accompany re-entry. Perhaps it is just that I am lazy. Whatever it is, however, I seem to have overcome it as here I am, pecking away at the last words of indiapapa. Of course, humor is on the horizon when our storage container from India arrives and we have to fit all of these things in our 1,100 sq foot apartment that already has all the things we stored three years ago! I suspect that a postscript will come out of that.

First of all, and most importantly, little Kaia appears to have moved beyond his short bout with transition overload that we experienced soon after his touching down in the Seattle area (it was also accompanied by a high fever and odd rash). For about a week he was inconsolable, prone to fits and generally unhappy. This, of course as loyal readers know, is very unusual behavior for this generally chipper fellow. For the first time I witnessed him ‘regressing’: crawling on all fours, only wanting to be carried, hiding in corners and dark places, it was all very interesting (although mostly difficult) to witness. Being that indiamama and I have already shifted our roles, with me going to work 4-5 days a week and her with Kaia full-time, it was very hard to come home and find him so upset. Over the past two months, he’s been in so many different environments, with so many different people, perhaps now that we had arrived in a place that we were telling him would be our ‘new home’, it was all too much to take.

But he’s doing better now. The other day we were on the ferry that goes to and from Seattle from Bainbridge Island and we were looking out at another island where our friend “Auntie Kate” lives. The conversation between Kaia and I went something like this:

indiapapa: Kaia, there’s Vashon Island, where Auntie Kate lives. Do you remember the last time we saw her? Where were we?

Kaia: (short pause) In India, at Kaia’s home in India…Papa, I miss India. It makes me sad.

ip: oh, I miss India too. Do you miss other parts about India?

Kaia: Yes, I miss my things too. And Joycee and Uncle Sekar.

ip: (becoming a tad emotional) Well, our things will be coming in a few weeks. And we can call Joyce at anytime to say hello to her. I know that she misses you too.

Kaia: (pause) Hey look! There’s a digger!

I am still not 100% sure about the community where we have moved and if it will be a place that we stay. Unfortunately homes and property on the island have become very expensive and this, along with what kinds of people follow and are transformed by such affluence (I grew up in a place that was transformed in the same way that I see Bainbridge undergoing) have me very leery. I really love many of the things that we have done and have access to in our life here, but being a small community (24,000), on an island, you really have to think about the way that the community might change and if it is something that you want to be invested in. I hope that there will be people who can understand the kinds of experiences that we’ve had as a family and as parents (“India, so what was THAT like?!?”). One of the things I’ve realized in coming back after (only) 3 years, is how much I have changed. Going through our stuff that was in storage was a good exercise in reflection. So is meeting other parents of 3 year old kids, particularly fathers. As readers of this weblog know, my pathways through fatherhood have been unconventional and open. Needless to say, many American fathers do not share the same experiences. This can be very isolating. So here I am, searching for a community and hoping that it will be on Bainbridge. Indiamama has jumped right in and already found Japanese with small children, so with each day she gets more and more hooked on the idea of being here.

These days are filled with alternating currents of happiness and anxiety. Happy at the infectious, long Northwest summer days and the way that Kaia and indiamama are reforging their deep bonds, and anxious at about just about everything else. It has made writing very challenging as I find that my mind wanders around aimlessly quite a bit and my overall motivation is lacking. It isn’t that I don’t want to work and finish up tasks, quite the opposite, but sometimes with these kinds of transitions—not only with living space and work, but also role as caregiver, it is hard to move forward without a set back here and there.

So I guess that’s it for now. I have really enjoyed writing this weblog and I hope that it has provided some of you with a bit of entertainment over the past few years. After this dissertation shakes down (or ‘off’ might be the better way to put it) I would like to continue writing about parenthood so, if you’re interested, please check back at indiapapa and there will certainly be a link.

Be well and love those little ones.

indiapapa